I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
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Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
☠️☠️☠️
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.