I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
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I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Merica.
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?