Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

2023 was just a warmup

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

I have obtained a hat

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer