Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

thinking about a very short hotdog

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice