I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
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We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.