*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

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I accidentally bleached my hair too blonde and when my therapist saw it this morning she let out an audible “oh no”


It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.


I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.


My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.


once a woman in the mall said “isn’t everything cuter with babies?!” and jeff replied “not coffins” and just stared at her until she cried


How to break up with someone:

You: Your ex is attractive.
Partner: Which one?
You: ME.


Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends


“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter


the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills