I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
You Might Also Like
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.