I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
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If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
A choir of Spring onions
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
