Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.