Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad