Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable