Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

The second world war should have been called world war returns

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

*power walks to the refrigerator*

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.