I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
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Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir