“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
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Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
.. do you even science?
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Frog purse.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB