“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
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I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Xylophonist Shredding It
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct