I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
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A sick whale is called an unwhale
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I feel seen
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!