Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

we’re dead?

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”