Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*