Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

Sing it!

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs