I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
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WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor