“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
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the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
How to properly lift a body
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.