Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out