“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.