Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.