“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
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I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
“our sushi is very fresh”
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<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃