Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby