Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

Jail

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

But that’s none of my business

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.