Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.