I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
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jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Windchimes
i can’t wait that long
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.