Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.