Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.