I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
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looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”