Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

I could NOT have put it better myself.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.