Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Don’t make me out nice you.

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be