i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
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“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
You can’t outrun your problems…
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split