Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing