I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
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Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
opening twitter today
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?