Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.