Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

Tell me you get it…🤣

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*