I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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Unimpressed
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
#math
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee