Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

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I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.