I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.