I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Just did a big green poo by a canal
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.