I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
when dads have a rap battle
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
this is the best day of my life
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!