Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

🐠

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.