Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

This was my dad’s browser history.

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

As the Lord intended

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.