Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

Flowers bee like

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.