i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
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Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.