“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
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I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”