Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

describing stardew valley

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

operators are standing by to ignore your call

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?