Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.