I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
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I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.