I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
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“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
how to exercise your calf muscles
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not