I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
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My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.