I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
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I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.