I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted


“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.


Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…


When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:



Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.


My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy


Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate


[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.