I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
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The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.