I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
You Might Also Like
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Does anything good ever escape from a lab