I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
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Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
We’ve all been there…
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Storm Tropical Storm
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
The Sun’s probably Asian.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income