Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies