Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
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*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man