Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?