I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
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You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?