I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
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My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.