Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

my dad when a sex scene comes on

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

no refunds

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.