Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

I triple waxed for this?

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

😭😭

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”