i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
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1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
#dnd #ttrpg
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Story time
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.