“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
