“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
You Might Also Like
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom