I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
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the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Rambo Rambow
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB