I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
You Might Also Like
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”