Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

The jeans are skinny. I’m not

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?