I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
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Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
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