Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

They did not miss in the small print

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant