I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
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the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.