I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
You Might Also Like
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?