I’m good, thanks.
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UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
get you a girl who
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Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
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Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
when you are just born a rebel
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Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone