I’m good, thanks.
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My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!