I’m good, thanks.
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The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
#TopTip
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Asking the real questions!
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”