Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.