I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
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Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
scrabbled eggs
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Put my back out twerking in the library again
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*