I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
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We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
gender is a sprctrum
why isn’t he texting back
This poor dog
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
